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Dream and Sigh
Swapn aur Uchchhwas · Poems, translated from the Hindi
A Note on the Translation
These poems were translated from the Hindi by Claude Opus 5.5.
Most of these poems are rhymed and metred in Hindi, and several are written like songs, with a refrain that returns after each stanza. The English keeps every line, stanza and refrain of the original and aims at its rhythm; it lets the rhyme go wherever keeping it would have bent the meaning.
A row of dashes after the opening words of a refrain is the poet's own shorthand from the notebook: the refrain is to be repeated in full. A line marked ×2 is sung twice.
A few words are best explained once. Mukul, the poet's name, is the Hindi word for a bud, and is translated as 'bud' wherever it appears. The chakor is a partridge which, in Indian poetry, lives on moonlight and pines for the moon. Bharati is a name both of the goddess of learning and of India. Shiva, whose consort is Uma, drank the poison that rose when the ocean was churned and held it in his throat, which turned blue; hence the Blue-Throated One.
Contents
- Dream
- If Only You Were With Me
- The Call
- I Am No Poet
- Strength and Resolve
- Tell Me, Beloved
- Of Smoke Alone
- Today, Beloved
- Whenever
- New Year, New Hopes
- That Star
- When Did I Ever Weep! When Do I Weep!!
- Rebuilding
- It Felt Good
- Circumstances and Thought
- What the Stars Taught Me
- Your Voice
- Let the Bud Bloom Today
- You
- Words That Fell Out with the Poem
- I Am No Poet in Whose Heart
- The Song That Turned Away
- When One of Your Own Turns Away
- Where Are You?
- Sight
- I and You – I (What We Imagine)
- I and You – II (Your Excellence)
- I and You – III (My Smallness)
- Your Picture
- I Am a Lamp, I Shall Keep Burning
- Sigh
Dream
I stumble now — and is this
the way the dream must end?
That thing that writhes somewhere in pain,
is it far away, or here?
These sobs I keep on hearing —
who is it weeps, and where?
The boat that, searching for an isle,
keeps plunging in the waves —
am I aboard that boat today,
or have I become the boat?
Is this a dream, or is it sleep
that broke off, unfinished, from a dream?
Is something truly burning here,
or is it hope, already burned?
If the dream itself is what is true,
then what would I wake for!
If the beginning is the end,
why should I fear the end?
If Only You Were With Me
Amid the ocean of my grief,
in this sweet meeting with life's joy,
if only you were with me! (×2)
Through the water-born waves
of the sea of sorrow I have pressed on till now;
against every wave, to this day,
I have fought on without you.
But today, when I found the little boat of joy,
my heart, delighted, said to me —
Amid the ocean of my grief,
in this sweet meeting with life's joy,
if only you were with me.
In this ocean of darknesses
who knows how many storms have come.
How many times I've lost my way here,
how many black clouds have gathered.
I kept silent, holding on to this hope:
one day these sorrows will fall away;
when at last I find you,
all the clouds will clear.
But when the small joys before our meeting
came into my heart,
then, beside itself,
weeping, it whispered to me —
Amid the ocean of my grief,
in this sweet meeting with life's joy,
if only you were with me.
That for years my ideals,
the stars, were hidden from my sight;
that with the drops of dark, dark clouds
these tears of mine rained down.
Even through the storms on sorrow's ocean,
how I managed to go on;
without the stars, the sun, the moon,
how I walked on through the dark.
But seeing a glimmer somewhere,
my heart took it for a lamp's flame,
and, overjoyed and weeping,
softly, softly said to me —
Amid the ocean of my grief,
in this sweet meeting with life's joy,
if only you were with me.
How hard it was to make my way —
I wish I could have told you.
In the glad hour of this sad journey
if only I could have been with you.
Still, holding the hope of you alone,
I have been walking for ages;
with a small thirst in my heart
I have been walking for ages.
But now that in the dark something
like a new light has shown itself to me,
falling silent, lost in myself,
I whispered to my heart —
in that boat which is on its way,
if only, if only you were there.
The Call
My heart called out to you again today!
The monsoon clouds hung thick and dark,
a new intoxication filled my mind.
Like an ocean wave I rose and surged;
it seemed as though you had touched me.
In this hour brimming with joy and frenzy,
this heart called out to you again today.
Losing myself, I set out once more to find
your image in the water of the clouds.
And when I began to see you in every drop,
a new beauty woke within my heart.
From the honeyed dwelling of a heart brimful of beauty,
this heart called out to you again today!!
Even in that black sky a moon could be seen,
yes, on that night so full of cloud;
and lost in it, I began to gaze
upon your face in that night's rain.
In every rhythm of the music playing in my heart,
this heart called out to you again today!!
I Am No Poet
I am no poet of delight,
I only tell my pain.
The song that's full of letting go —
that is the song I sing.
I am no poet — — —
How many of my own have turned from me —
that is the feeling of my verse;
whoever came along with me
went off and left me somewhere, yes.
With this feeling, every hour, always,
I set my pen to move.
I am no poet of delight,
I only tell my pain.
Seeing the chakor's ache for the moon,
the peacock's plight without the clouds,
when compassion wells up in my heart
I cannot stop my pen.
I am no poet of delight,
I only tell my pain.
Strength and Resolve
I am making the road, my companion,
but you must come along with me.
On this road toward our dreams
don't you forget to follow now.
Only by hearing your footsteps
can I take another stride;
only by your fragrance
can I keep the pathway safe.
I clear the thorns from off the road;
you keep on giving it your love.
I am making the road, my companion,
but you must come along with me.
How fortunate I am that now
I have your company with me:
each grain of dust has found its strength,
each dream has found its faith.
I go on making my resolve;
you keep on giving me your strength.
I am making the road, my companion,
but you must come along with me.
The grains of dust along the road are not one;
now they must be made one.
And so this whole world may not halt,
it's we who have to change.
I go on giving courage;
you keep on giving a new faith.
I am making the road, my companion,
but you must come along with me.
Tell Me, Beloved
I
Where is our bread for the road — is anything left at all?
Tell me, beloved, shall we turn back? My heart is full of fear.
The thought of where we're bound torments me again and again;
on this road so full of anguish, who knows what storm has come.
Tell me, beloved — — —
With half the journey still to go, my spirit is giving way;
in every corner of this heart, who knows what dread has spread.
Tell me, beloved — — —
When all the roads that lie ahead are thick with nothing but thorns,
what road is this we've come upon, so full of nothing but sighs?
Tell me, beloved — — —
II
No, my love! If we're together, what is there to fear?
No, my love, not now! Let us not turn back; the battle has only now begun.
Half the journey's over now; do not look back.
Let the thorns go on pricking, as they have pricked till now.
No, my love, not now! — — —
On the strength of love we'll walk whatever road is left;
till now our love itself has been our bread for the road.
No, my love, not now! — — —
Of Smoke Alone
Of smoke alone my home was made, and always has been;
not even in my dreams did I ever meet that fairy.
She on whom I wrote who knows how many ghazals —
her lotus eyes have never opened before me.
Of smoke alone — — —
She at whose smile the moonlight itself was shamed —
never once, not once, did she bloom before me.
Of smoke alone — — —
With her I walked from the earth up to the moon;
she never walked a single step with me.
Of smoke alone my home — — —
The world kept asking: where is she, and who is 'she'?
But I, to this very day, have never met 'her'.
Of smoke alone my — — —
Today, Beloved
Today, beloved, how am I to accept your love?
The world that has always taken love for a wrong —
before that world, tell me, how am I to love?
Today, beloved, . . .
Whenever
Whenever I break down along the way,
whenever I fall out even with life,
when it feels as though nothing is mine,
and something like a storm wakes up inside —
even then you come close and win me round;
it is you who set my broken hopes right again.
New Year, New Hopes
In the new year, may no one
in the world be cross with anyone.
In the new year, may no one
in the world break away from anyone.
In the colours of the new year
may honour come in rainbow hues.
May no one's trust be broken;
may every lip be given a smile.
May even the tears the world's weeping has shed
now find a hope of their own.
May even the waves of the sea of tears
find a new, new name.
Through the new year's new thinking
may everyone be given respect.
May no one's trust be broken;
may every lip be given a smile.
That Star
That star
I look at every day,
shining
in one corner of the sky —
last year,
when I saw it
for the first time,
thousands of stars were shining
around it,
but the brightest glow
was its own.
I don't know why,
but slowly all the stars
drew away from it,
and today
when I looked at it,
my eyes
welled up,
because in that corner
it was alone today.
And yet
I was amazed,
for its glow
was just as bright today!
Today too
it was smiling,
just the way
it smiled
when I saw it first!
When Did I Ever Weep! When Do I Weep!!
When did I ever weep! When do I weep!!
In the arms of the black nights,
when to my eyes, that only count the stars,
the dreams begin to shimmer,
I just listen to my heart's sigh.
When did I ever weep! When do I weep!!
When the goal seems far away
and the road seems to have strayed, then
I take my companion by the hand
and let myself drift with my tears.
When did I ever weep! When do I weep!!
Walking and walking life's long road,
when my heart grows tired,
then, hidden under my pillow,
I sing my heart out, sob by sob.
When did I ever weep! When do I weep!!
The world, seeing my tears,
laughs and calls it madness; but
I always wipe the water from my eyes
and, laughing, tell the world —
When did I ever weep! When do I weep!!
What people call tears
is the nectar of my life;
hidden from the noise of the world,
I wash my heart with it.
When did I ever weep! When do I weep!!
Rebuilding
I have set out once more today to build that nest again.
The nest that, in those hours of storm,
you abandoned and left;
whose straws you saw torn and scattered,
and still did not return.
The trees broke, the leaves dried up,
the tender new shoots withered;
the newborn buds dried up without you,
but you did not come.
But I, without you all the same,
have set out again today;
to build that nest once more
I have set out again today.
Today, yes, even without you,
a home shall rise again,
and the lamp that burns within it
shall light up all the world.
You were the ghee in that lamp,
and I the wick that burned;
but when you went and left me,
I went out right there.
Yet, to put an end to the dark,
I have burned alone, again today;
to build that nest once more
I have set out again today.
It Felt Good
I
It felt good,
the first time,
when you
met me.
II
It felt good,
the first time,
that I ached
after meeting
you here.
III
It felt good,
the first time,
yes, to see
tears in those
lotus-like
eyes of yours.
IV
It felt good,
the first time,
when I,
yes, in my life,
truly, from the heart,
loved someone.
V
It felt good,
the first time,
to learn
from you, here,
that in love
there is, yes,
some pain as well.
VI
It felt good,
the first time,
when I understood
that all along,
never from the heart,
anywhere, had you
loved
me.
Circumstances and Thought
My introduction
is only this —
I am a bud
without fragrance.
Joy spread
with my coming
into the joyless,
dried-up garden.
Then I grew,
fighting on,
in the battle of life,
alone.
I was born
in that garden
which had been dry
for many years.
Hopes took shape,
a longing woke
among the dry leaves
for flowers.
Dry leaves —
yes, many times —
were the companions
that stayed with me.
Without beauty,
just like me,
were many
other dry buds.
'The garden will
be green again' —
at the thought, every flower
thrilled with joy.
I sulked, too,
when they were lost;
but I have not stopped,
not to this day.
Seeing them,
I came to know —
struggle is the essence of life.
What the Stars Taught Me
I
My restless mind was heaped with anguish,
my breast was full of the world's pain;
and in my tear-filled eyes there brimmed,
yes, a new song of compassion.
When I came up out of the sea of weeping,
the wide sky lay spread before me;
star-studded, all in jewels,
how close to me the heavens came.
The moon, in that sky like a village well,
was lovely as a plate of nectar.
There was beauty even in the dark
that my heart's grief could not see.
Can a heart that is all sorrow
ever have a sense of beauty?
You set out to find joy in tears —
ah, my heart, how innocent you are.
Why do you rain your teardrops down
today on the desert of the world?
No bud can blossom in such a place;
why then do you ask them for joy?
It was because of feelings like these
my heart sank in the sea of tears;
the water went on streaming from my eyes,
and then I saw them, yes, in the moon.
II
When I could not hold myself together,
I asked the stars in the sky —
O bearer of endless light,
how did you ever get up there?
What was your life like,
what were your sorrows, what your joys?
Did your resolve never once
break in your hands?
Did your roads never once
slip away from you?
Did you never, in your life,
lose to your own self?
Did one who was your own never
become a stranger to you?
Did you not, every time,
stumble by your own doing?
Did your goal never once
turn into defeat?
Did no wave ever rise
in the depths of your heart
when
they could never
understand you?
Did your heart never go
into the sea of weeping
and weep?
That anguish of the heart —
where and how did you hide it?
Were your eyes never
wet with anguish?
Did you not always go off
alone somewhere and weep,
at those times
when your own people turned away from you?
When, after losing,
your heart sulked with you,
how did you win it back?
When defeat after defeat
was breaking you within,
in this life that ripples like a river,
in the very midst of losing,
how did you manage to find joy?
Where did you find your spirit?
Tell me today.
The secret of your shining —
explain it to me now, today.
From eyes that sorrow moves,
these tears of mine
are flowing today;
stop it,
this wave of anguish,
now and for ever.
No one has ever
understood me.
You understand me, my dear,
O jewel of the moon,
ideal of the world,
adornment of the moon.
III
Seeing me so despairing,
a star began to speak to me:
I too break and fall,
I too fall out with the sky.
Some days you see me there,
some days I'm lost in the sky.
I too am eclipsed;
it is your earth that covers me.
I too come to an end
when the infinite turns away from me.
I am not the greatest of all;
the worlds hold millions like me.
If you would grow, keep walking on;
the world is moving — do not stand still.
To walk is the beginning of life;
to stop on the road is its end.
Keep lighting the lamps of dreams;
the roads hold countless destinations.
The sharp points of the thorns on the path —
crush them underfoot and make your road.
And if rocks should come in the way,
keep crashing against the rocks.
No one here will stop you;
keep on stepping forward.
Struggle is life's companion;
keep holding struggle close.
Has a mountain ever stopped
a river's current in full flood?
Step forward — yes, step forward,
step forward, and be unbroken.
Every day new dreams are made,
every day new loved ones made;
they do not weep for those who turn away,
who walk the road to their goal.
All your dreams will break as well,
your own will turn from you as well;
but you must never break,
you must never turn away.
Everyone's resolve gets broken,
everyone's roads slip away;
in this world of struggle,
everyone's own turn from them.
Hold back the sky, hold back the wind,
change the false ways of the world.
This whole world's song, in full bloom,
comes from you alone — change its ways.
Rain down your own teardrops
and water this world's desert.
This is the beauty of compassion:
give everything to the world's joy.
Your heart is not foolish
for seeking joy in tears.
In tears the real truth is seen;
beauty lives in tears.
You yourself are tomorrow's star,
the night's adornment — you the moon;
you are the pole star that shows the way,
the life of creation — you the sun.
IV
On the road to our goals,
at every turn, yes,
a new storm comes
and breaks
all of them,
the new dreams,
lovely and full of song.
It plunders
the whole world of our dreams.
Then even they turn away
who once stood first
in our lives, as their music.
Struggling with all their strength,
they conquer
even defeat — those new ones who,
on the road to their goal,
leaving every sorrow behind,
have walked on without rest.
Even the storm dies down
at the sight of their struggle;
and they come back too,
the ones who had left and gone.
These are all truths of life;
accept this —
after every sorrow in life
a new gladness comes,
new dreams are made ready,
and then, as always,
new lamps of joy are lit.
Then why does it trouble you now?
Don't sulk — struggle on —
you are no one person's fellow traveller;
no single one is your beloved.
Your work is your companion,
your work is your wedded wife!
V
All the rays of glory
are waiting for you;
unconquered one, rise now —
do not stop, do not stop.
On you lies Bharati's weight,
O steadfast, wise, O brilliant one;
you, like the wind, must never —
do not stop, do not stop.
Your shine is like gold;
let your light nowhere grow dim.
O sun, go on and on —
do not stop, do not stop.
Moon of the dark eye of night,
you nectar-sweet moonlight,
glow of the moon, go on and on —
do not stop, do not stop.
Brave son of the earth,
awakened hero of knowledge,
treasure and nectar of the nation,
do not stop, do not stop.
In a heart as wide as the infinite
let there be no turmoil;
with a blazing imagination,
do not stop, do not stop.
VI
You are the sun of a new world,
the light of new knowledge;
you are the pride of this earth,
you yourself are a new storm.
The darkness of this world
will be driven out by you alone.
Don't go out now — no, don't go out;
don't put yourself out yet.
Don't be beaten by a defeat
that is only a moment for you.
Fight on against the storm
to win the love of the world.
You are the lamp of the world,
you are the song of every love.
Know this: you are someone;
come, know yourself from now on.
Don't let defeat defeat you —
the whole world is yours.
If it is victory you love,
accept defeat as well.
Your Voice
In this happy hour, sweet as nectar, say something, my dearest;
with me, the whole world is longing to hear your voice.
Let the Bud Bloom Today
Without the love of a single bee,
they are scorched by night and day.
How long will they go on standing between the drains and canals,
how long go on growing, far away from the world?
With all the love the bee can bring
let the bud meet today.
Hold back the rays no longer —
let the bud bloom today.
You
You came and gave my longings form;
it is you alone who grace this gathering of mine.
You may be far away from me,
but in this heart of mine, it's your heart that beats.
This is my wish: that you remember me;
for me to forget you — that is the hard thing.
This heartbeat, these breaths are all laid down for you;
you are my road, and you my destination.
You are who I am — a fairy, almost a stranger;
in every moment of my joy, it's you, only you, standing there.
Why torment me? Come close to me now;
without you, beloved, this heart is all but lifeless.
Words That Fell Out with the Poem
1.
My story has no voice;
who is there who understands it?
I keep the heart's pain inside the heart,
and still the whole world is angry with me.
2.
Why can I not forget you, even when I try?
Why, beloved, are you still my life today?
Silence spreads on every side without you;
why, even in the silence, do you keep calling out to me?
I Am No Poet in Whose Heart
I am no poet in whose heart
a river of feeling flows.
My poor sulking poetry
the world calls mere rhyming.
I fear that you, too, will laugh
when you hear my poem.
And yet today, yes, unafraid,
the poet in me says to you! —
Every feeling of my sulking poem —
beloved, yes, it is you.
Who you are I do not know,
but you are the sound of every feeling.
The Song That Turned Away
I want to become the song of the world;
I want to become someone's friend.
But who knows why, to this day,
I have found no one's company;
to this day I could not become
even a shadow to anyone.
I had held someone's hand
in the lap of that dream,
and swayed with happiness,
delighting beside her.
But why, I do not know, has that company
slipped away even from the dream?
That golden song — who knows
why it has turned away now?
When One of Your Own Turns Away
I have watched it break,
a family, right before me;
the people of the house were parting,
and no one's eyes were wet.
There must have been some quarrel,
I thought.
I have watched it break,
a branch from a tree;
all its leaves were falling,
and the tree did not even try to stop it.
They must have been helpless,
I thought.
But when a dream breaks,
when someone of your own is lost,
what happens then —
I have seen that too,
with these very eyes.
I even tried to stop them,
but they did not stay.
They must have been upset with me,
I thought.
Where Are You?
Looking at the stars in the sky,
my mind keeps asking —
in this heaven,
where are you?
When in this mind, calm as the sea,
waves sometimes rise,
a new storm comes,
my heart grows restless,
a fire catches in this body.
Let me turn these winds around,
let me create a new world.
In the midst of all this,
giving me new faith,
my mind keeps asking —
in this time
of a changing world,
where are you?
Time changed its ways;
when a new song woke,
the ways of this world changed,
all fear of losing fled.
A longing came
to love this world.
Let me change everyone,
let me win the world's heart.
But knowing what 'now' is,
my mind keeps asking —
in this moment
of a world full of joy,
where are you?
Sight
These eyes want to say something,
want to tell —
the ache of life,
where longing leads,
and the pain of how one sees.
They want to show people everything,
even in the dark, by their own light.
Now aching is their story,
and perhaps their voice as well.
The face that once made them light up,
the face they could never look away from —
today they see it and flinch,
and lower themselves in shame,
these eyes that want to say something.
Whom can they tell the truth, among all the lies,
when everyone here has become a stranger?
When your own self has turned against you,
what will the world understand of this caravan of pain?
The world's cruelty
they will perhaps forget,
because
they know themselves,
and they know
the truth of the world,
the truth of longing,
and time's changing ways,
changing thought
and a changing society.
And
perhaps that face as well...
I and You – I (What We Imagine)
That I should stay with you alone —
this is what life is telling me.
Let this life of mine be yours:
yes, this is now my only wish.
Be the moonlight to my moon,
so the world may fill with light;
let the night of hatred vanish,
let every person be a cup of love.
Let us be the wine in those cups
and make this whole world drunk;
come, together let us two
give everyone love's nectar to drink.
In that world of the intoxicated,
let us be the ones who pour out love;
then a thirst for love will wake in all,
and we will keep the cups.
Open your eyes, O doe-eyed one,
and see
how happy humankind will be.
In that world filled with love,
ah, what joy there will be!
Where people worship love,
could sorrow be found there at all?
No Draupadi will be disrobed,
no Mahabharata war be fought.
All humans, yes, will be equal
when love never grows less;
everyone will attain godliness
when we two become one.
Come, let us build with love
that world full of humanity.
Let the two of us become Shiva and Uma
and drink down the poison of hatred.
When the venom slides down my throat,
stop it there and save the world;
I shall be called the Blue-Throated One,
and you — become the Mother of the World.
Can we two not come together
to make all these dreams come true?
Come, be with me, O moon-faced one;
let us go and build a new world.
I and You – II (Your Excellence)
You are the song, I the melody.
You are the throat, I the voice.
Without you I am nothing;
where you are, there am I.
If you are the earth, I am its dust;
if you the fragrance, I the flower.
I am the moon, and you the moonlight;
you were made for me alone.
You are life, and I am longing;
you the destination, I the road.
I am desire, and you are love;
I am the garden, you the spring.
Of you my world is made;
of me let your world be made.
This is all my dream is now.
I and You – III (My Smallness)
You are the calm, still sea, sweet as nectar;
I am a river full of waves.
Searching, wandering from somewhere,
I have come to you at last.
Give me a place within your heart,
so that I may stay near you,
so that every sorrow, always,
I may now bear with you.
My joy and my sadness
both thirst for your love.
All my longings,
without you, are only dreams....
Your Picture
I thought I would draw your picture —
me, drawing a picture!
Funny, isn't it?
I just started drawing, idly,
the image I had stolen long ago.
You won't believe it:
I didn't erase it even once,
and in a little while
I had drawn a very beautiful face.
I was astonished,
because I had drawn a face!
More beautiful than the moon —
no, it cannot even be compared to the moon,
because
that picture was my heart pouring out.
I don't know how,
it drew itself;
I only kept moving the pencil.
Perhaps because
you are so far away from me;..
I Am a Lamp, I Shall Keep Burning
On the road of life, always,
I shall keep walking without rest;
I am a lamp — I shall keep burning.
My work is to give light without end;
the storms' work is to blow me out.
But for the sake of light
I shall go on thriving in the storm.
I am a lamp — I shall keep burning.
On the road to every goal
obstacles come by the thousand;
but again and again, against the mountains,
the rivers always dash themselves.
By the blows of a single stream
the mountain is worn to sand;
from that striking, again and again,
the way makes itself.
Like that river,
I shall keep fighting the heights.
I am a lamp — I shall keep burning.
When, in a garden gone to waste,
a bud is born,
one grows on, while another
withers and falls asleep.
But the one that fights its hardships —
that one, yes, finds life;
it is that one the fragrance comes to,
yes, that one is called a flower.
Like that bud,
I shall break open and keep blooming.
I am a lamp — I shall keep burning.
Sigh
Today, I surrender my breath!!
The last few leaves still left to me
lie withered now, and dry;
into your storm let me pour out
the last of myself as an offering!
Today, I surrender my breath!!
This is the last sigh
that I have left;
I can bear no more —
I lay my life down at your feet!!
Today, I surrender my breath!!